yrmencyn: (armadillo)
So... CGMC had its first choreography rehearsal today, and it kicked my ass, both physically and mentally.  Physically, just because I've lost the callouses I used to have on my toes from Dance Guild -- I'm feeling hot spots on both big toes.  Also, note to self: bring/wear shorts next time.

The more annoying thing is the mental fatigue.  I feel like I've reverted to 1996.  Back at the beginning of high school, I was completely uncoordinated; choreography for choir shows was an ugly thing set on my body, all gangly and unfluid.  But by the end of high school, even if I wasn't the best dancer ever, I at least looked like I knew what I was doing.  Well, it's been almost nine years since I did any of that.  And I thought I was doing ok, but then we moved to a room with mirrors, and... y'all.  As I said walking to the car, I'm too butch for this shit.  And I feel heavy, and kludgy, and ungraceful.  And it's not helping that I ended dancing a lot tonight right in front of our guy playing Joseph, who is himself a dancer.  And... fuck.  I felt all of 14 again, all "I look a moron in front of the cool kid."  I'm a smart, sexy, hilarious, accomplished man, and yet I felt like zilch.  Fuck this shit.  I'm better than the way I'm feeling.  But right now my streak of perfectionism is really getting to me -- nothing to do for it but just keep trying.  I've mastered my body before, and I can do it again.  I just hope I can do it in the next month and a half.

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yrmencyn

December 2009

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