I am so very, very frustrated right now.

[yrmencyn]

The American Camp Association Heart of the South Conference at Camp Sumatanga, Gallant, AL... was wonderful.  It was really, truly amazing.  There were so many talented, dedicated camping professionals there, and I gathered HUGE amounts of ideas to bring back to my program.  I basically told Susannah that while I loved doing drama, and wouldn't mind doing some drama program this summer, I was going to do nature.  I came out of Heather Montgomery's session on nature programs this morning passionate, excited, and convinced of what I need to do.  We're a camp, and nature is an irremovable and more importantly an absolutely vital part of a camp experience.  So much of our program has to be indoors because of the heat of the Louisiana summer and the nature of our clientele... I think that we have done a real disservice to the kids.  This summer I will try with everything I have to show those kids why it is that I am never happier than in the out of doors, why the natural world is something to be cherished, protected, and most of all: lived.

*steps down off soapbox*

And herein lies the problem.  Do you see that above paragraph?  That is always, always, always present in the back of my head.  Ever since I first worked at Pirtle, all of 14 years old, teaching basic scoutcraft skills to over-sugared little hellions, I've loved working camp.  Sure, it started out as enjoying the fun time with the rest of the staff -- let's face it, Pirtle is an extremely loosely run camp with a spoiled staff that resists even reasonable restrictions on behavior, so it's a constant party -- but over the course of five summers I started to realize what a weighty responsibility is entrusted to camp counselors and instructors, and to truly enjoy the connection with the kids.  And then I got a real job and all that stuff wandered away to the back burner.

But it was still there, and then in a fit of scheduling desperation I got a job at Camp Bon Coeur... and it all came surging back, in one of the richest and most rewarding experiences of my life, both within the milieu of camping and without.  And now I find myself spending more and more of my mental energies on camp and camp-related things.  And as if that wasn't enough, talking with all these wonderful people ratcheted up my investment to a still higher level.

Sounds great doesn't it?  Yeah, well... it is.  It is.  That being said, I just don't need this shit!  Every single damn time I think I know what I'm doing, where I'm going with my life, something else comes along and throws me for a loop.  Do I still want to get my MFA, be a writer?  Hell yes.  But I also want to do this, and I feel like it's something I need to do.  Everybody's got a calling, everybody has a purpose in this world, a way that they can make it better; maybe this is mine.

The problem is that it doesn't really seem to mesh right now.  My studies are likely to take me away from South Louisiana, where my home camp is for the moment, and that makes it even harder to be involved -- being an hour away in Baton Rouge is hard enough.  I just don't know.  I know that this will turn out well, and I know I'll end up doing what I'm supposed to do, eventually, but damned if the crooked path isn't maddening.  I'd love to see a vista instead.

Comments

[gothicsquish.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

First off, i understand the resonating nature. My years at camp and training for camp conseler (which in fact, i never actually did, only trained for two years. =( )make me long for those day constantly. I suppose thats where my choice to become pagen is the strongest, my conection to nature.

On another note, you want to be so many things, as did I. And I hate that past tense, so I am envious of where you are right not, hoping you managed to do something you love. I wanted to be animator, comic artist, installation artist and painter.

[elanova.livejournal.com]

What is there to prevent you from taking your MFA in writing and starting an out-of-doors writing camp for kids? Stop looking at the badly-drawn map to figure out where you are and look around: you're near the top of the mountain and the view is great. Snowy, but great.

As Someone Called By a Multitude of Voices, Let Me Say ....

[tiggerbone.livejournal.com]

You do not have to do everything at once. Just decide what you want to do right now.

I'm serious. I have been a busker, a scientist, a teacher, a clown, a student, and about a zillion other things. I still have a few careers that I want to knock off of my list and I do not plan on giving up on them. Right now, I am thinking of knocking off my masters in astrophysics and then going for a job in voice acting for cartoons or video games. Then again, maybe I'll decide to be a park ranger. You never can tell. ;)

You're a smart guy with a lot of talents. Don't let it stress you out. Rejoice in the fact that you have options and that you can pick to find the one(s) that suit you best at the moment.

The options may all want you at once, but in the end, you can decide to put them off for a bit. Some will wait. Some will not, but you can figure it out.

[alstaria.livejournal.com]

Since everybody that has commented so far has covered the overall "many paths" question nicely, I'll go more specific.

Didn't you say there were counselors at the camp from all over the country, in fact all over the world? Just becuase you end up back in Columbus..or in Bloomington or Iowa City..doesn't mean you have to give up the job at the camp. There might have to be some creative schedule juggling but wouldn't it be worth it for this?

Of all the experiences I have given up because they didn't "fit my lifestyle" or were too much of hassle to fit into my schedule, being a camp counselor is the one I miss most.

Re: Silly

[yrmencyn.livejournal.com]

I love that! I want to be a melon.

Re: Silly

[lucki-dog.livejournal.com]

Well knock your head, do you sound hollow?