Hallelujah, thank you Jesus.

[yrmencyn]

I say this because I think I've finally found an angle that I can enter this from.

In today's Something Positive,  PeeJee asks Davan, "Why are you always cooking?  It seems like you're always trying to feed me," to which he replies, "It's a Southern thing.  Food is a form of affection."  Truer words have never been said.  Food is certainly one of the most basic non-verbal forms of affection.  But it's also a form of nesting, and domesticity (note I'm no longer really making reference to the S*P strip; I'm just riffing, now).  I've been thinking a lot about domesticity recently.

I don't know what it is; if it's a function of people around me 'settling down' (notably my sister -- 5 weeks and counting -- but also others close to me), or some abstract 'biological clock', or just something arbitrary and mundane like my quarter-century birthday coming up.  I've been thinking about where I want to end up, what I want to do, how I want to live... it's a little odd-feeling, and a little bit of a poor choice on my part, since I know as well as anyone that if I'm really serious about wanting a job in academia, I'll be lucky to take whatever I can find, no matter where it is.  (Of course one could question whether I want that academic position at all, but that's my current thought-stance.)

And I've been coming up with some answers to these questions, that's the scary thing.  First of all, I want a house.  This has become abundantly clear to me.  I mean, my upstairs neighbors are great -- very friendly and generally rather quiet -- but I still find myself displeased with just the little bits of neighbor presence that I sense.  I want a backyard (I'll even happily mow the lawn, if it means getting my damn backyard).  A back porch would be my delight and joy.  I want to paint the walls with impunity.  I want to fix the damn problems in the house without having to pester my landlord, even if it means footing the bill.  I want to fix problems!

And I think I want kids.  No, scratch that, I know I want kids.  Or at least kid.  I went through this really sad phase, mentally, a while back, when I pretty much thought that my sexuality precluded me from being able to have that kind of parent(s)+kid(s) family structure.  But over the past year, I've been realizing that this just isn't the case.  I think I first started to really become cognizant of it with a really fantastic NYT article this past November, "Gay Donor or Gay Dad?", and then it floated around a bit, really getting stirred up recently by Neal Pollack's great memoir Alternadad.  And I've got some books en route about the particular gay-father aspect (more memoirs; I like to be entertained, thank you).  Obviously I don't have any immediate plans or anything, but I'm definitely trying to (re-)adopt a stance in which I can say "My life is my life, and I'll be damned if I let some segment of society tell me how I can and cannot live."

And I miss Texas.  This is also, to a certain extent, Mr. Pollack's fault, since he lived with his wife and newborn in Austin for a few years, but it's also thanks to the movie Waitress, and Karen Stolz's World of Pies (thanks, Terri!), and just to a certain... I don't know, nostalgia.  I mean, I grew up in Texas.  So thinking about kids makes me think of Texas, I guess?  And of course, I'm realistic.  Like I mentioned above, the ball is often taken out of your court in academia, and that's without even considering the needs and desires of the other people in your life.  And without considering the fact that, in a ranked list of gay-friendly states, Texas wouldn't exactly be tops.  But all that being said, in a perfect world, I think I might live in Texas.  I love Ohio, and I love Louisiana, and I really have enjoyed many of the other places that I've visited, but there will always be a part of me that belongs to the Lone Star State.

God, I'm such a homebody :)

Comments

[pixidala.livejournal.com]

Nice to know I'm not the only person who thinks of such things. I completely understand your domestic behaviours, and have never really thought of them in gendered terms (despite Jeff's constant comments about you being the perfect wife). I think there's something about this mid-20's age - the pull between family and career, trying to figure out how to make a home when there's no such thing as job security anymore. Sean and I are still trying to figure out the whole marriage/house/family issue, and so much of it is tied to what we can afford (it's really quite sad, honestly). I've found it interesting how many 20somethings I know who are having children (planned or accidental) and working with their new roles as parents. I don't think that would be something that those who are now in their late 30s, early 40s would have done.

[tiggerbone.livejournal.com]

I don't think that would be something that those who are now in their late 30s, early 40s would have done.

*Ahem!*

Insert raised eyebrow here ;)

I don't feel up to a big response to that this morning. I'll just remind you that I:

1. am in my late thirties

and
2. have been struggling with the family/career/future home/what I want thing for a looong time.

Anyway, yeah. I feel the same way about cooking. That Something Positive definitely hit the nail on the head.

I've been thinking of settling down and where I would ultimately like to wind up. I had an eclectic childhood; I lived a variety of places. I always thought that I could wind up anywhere and be happy as long as I was with my family ... and to an extent that is still true. But I have developed a few preferences lately. I am not sure about the likelihood of my preferences coming to pass, or even which ones I would sacrifice for the others yet. But I'm figuring it out.

[pixidala.livejournal.com]

You are not in your late 30s! You're the upper edge of my generation. And you're also weird - you've pursued knowledge instead of cash, family and friends instead of corporation, personal experience instead of financial safety. Sorry, Owen - that doesn't sound like a lot of the late 30s-early 40s people that I've met! I guess you'll just have to continue to be caring, daring, and fun.

[tiggerbone.livejournal.com]

You are not in your late 30s!

My birth certificate disagrees with you. ;)

As for the rest, thank you.

[whisperwheel.livejournal.com]

You're not the only person who thinks about these things by a looong shot. Some of us just don't get around to talking about it!

;-)

[rosepurr.livejournal.com]

I think you'd make a good dad. And people who want kids and would love them, and can support them, should certainly have kids!

I'm glad you liked the book. I LOVED it!

I'm glad you're sorting out what you want. It's good.

Nesting is much more exciting than it's given credit.

[schatiekech.livejournal.com]

Hee, you will be a great dad, home owner, etc. Especially with your cooking abilities!!
And it's odd, because no matter how much I have always tried to fight it, a part of me will always belong to the Lone Star State as well. . .

[groovy2382.livejournal.com]

I think you would be great with kids...and it would be interesting to see a little mike running around going "pruuuuuuuuuunes.............bananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas"

[moomoogal87.livejournal.com]

omg. what a hilarious thought!

[lyceum-arabica.livejournal.com]

(smiles) yeah... all of my friends who are happily settled with people (and who want kids) should have kids, so I can borrow them until I find someone to happily settle with myself... ;-)
I agree with the masses, I'm sure you'd be a great parent.

additionally, would 'wistful' count as the future-oriented nostaglic?